THE CHINESE PEACH
by Lynn K. Hollander
Chapter 5 - Did that work?
"She left the door open," Tara disapproved, shutting the front door.
"So what do we do with it after we find it?" Willow asked.
"Put it on a park bench somewhere and pretend we never saw it," Giles said firmly.
"I wouldn't do that." A man, somewhat foppishly dressed, materialized in the center of the shop.
"Barzilai," Gang Long said.
Spike got to his feet. He wished he had taken Filis up on knife training, or that he carried a gun. He would have risked activating the chip in his head, just to wipe that smile off Barzilai's face.
"I wouldn't do that, either," Barzilai said to him. "Whatever you're thinking. Rupert Giles? I am Barzilai."
"Who's only some sort of changed human," Gang Long said.
Barzilai gave the boy a quick assessing glance, then returned to Giles..
"Is he a wizard?" Dawn asked.
"I prefer sorcerer," Barzilai said.
"Why shouldn't I get rid of this thing, whatever it is?"
"Your customers will be very disappointed."
"Explain," Spike said.
"Are any of you familiar with the Internet? If not, get someone to tutor you. Go to www.barzilaiimm.com."
"Willow?" Spike said.
"Got it. Sort of drab," she said. "No graphics, no music. Just text, as follows: A one time sale. Property of Barzilai the Immortal. Centered," she allowed. "But as I said, drab. A passport to the most elite club of all. Blah, blah, blah. This valuable item has been consigned to Rupert Giles, proprietor of the Magic Box, Sunnydale, California. E-mail factor@www.barzilaiimm.com to reserve your place at the auction. That's it.."
"Auction?" Tara asked.
"Consigned?" Giles demanded.
"Why didn't you use E-BAY?" Willow demanded.
"This is a private auction. Your customers-to-be do not handle disappointment well," Barzilai said. "Look at what happened when Kallis couldn't find the item on the La Garza."
"Who?" Filis asked.
"Kallis. I did not intend to invite him to the auction at all. I don't know how he heard about the item, but his presence here forces my hand."
"You didn't intend to dump this on us?" Giles asked.
"I had to cache the item in the Middle Kingdom. There are some powerful people over there who still follow some really archaic customs, and there are more of them than you might think. I didn't get the item concealed fast enough to evade detection, and the next thing I know, a bunch of really sore losers is pursuing me, with wildly unfriendly intentions. I hid the item in the belongings of one of the refugees, walked around demonstrating that whoever had the item it wasn't me, and took the first plane out. Which took me to Delhi, eventually. The next plane went to Moscow, and the one after that to Berlin, where I caught a prop cargo thing that had to refuel on Ascension--I didn't know they still did that--on the way to Rio de Janeiro."
"Can you spare us the travelogue?" Giles asked. "Why here? Why Sunnydale?"
"It's where the ship was going. I wanted to grab the item when the La Garza first docked and go to Vegas, where they're used to handling the sort of money involved, but I was delayed, Kallis came here, and other powerful people who watch where Kallis goes followed him and everything got slightly out of hand. Fortunately, that's no longer my problem."
"Explain," Giles said.
"It's yours." Barzilai smiled, flashing his dimples.
"I don't have the item."
"Actually, you do: it's here, somewhere, and relatively safe. I'm not going to risk carrying it about, not with all the eager hijackers around. You will know where it is by the time the auction starts. Once that happens, once I pick up the gavel, you ought to be safe. I might consider letting you all leave then. I was careful to invite a number of really deadly enemies to attend. Humans did something like this with those bombs of theirs."
"That was mutual assured destruction, you idiot," Giles said. "Not mutual assured survival. Why did you hide it here?"
"Camouflage. When I read about the murders, I knew someone like him was around, and that I could not risk trying to get to Vegas. I'd have to hold the auction here, in what did you call this place?"
"Sunnydale."
"You and this little shop seemed perfect. Not only are some of your stock sufficiently magical to hide the object, powerful magical artifacts move in and out and around this quaint shop everyday. Kallis, and anyone else looking for what I have, will be confused. They will have to track down each artifact and examine it. By the time they rule out everything else, the auction will be over."
"You put us all in danger for money," Spike was angrier than he remembered being.
"Eggs," Barzilai. "Omelets." He waved one hand airily.
"What is this item, that you are risking our lives over?" Giles asked.
"You know, I don't think I'll tell you."
"We would really like to know."
"No, I don't think so. Your ignorance is our surest protection. Kallis or whoever Wolfram and Hart are sending can torture you all to death and you can't tell them anything. I'm perfectly safe."
Gang Long shifted to dragon.
"Behave yourself, youngster. At your age, you can't go around even threatening humans."
"I don't think you're human," the long said.
"Gytha does."
Gang Long settled back, still a dragon.
"She thinks we're human, too," Spike reminded him. "And you can eat vampires." Spike realized he could probably hit Barzilai and not activate the chip in his head. He smiled.
"Yesss," Gang Long said, looking a lot happier.
Barzilai looked uneasy.
"Enough," Giles said. "I do not accept this commission."
"You have no choice." Barzilai gradually regained his composure. "The announcement's gone out. No one will believe that you refused. If you can't produce it, they'll think you stole it. You can't even hurt me, you need me to find the item. Remember what I said about how Kallis deals with disappointment? So do all the buyers."
Giles was silent.
"The opening bid is $10,000,000. Many really nasty people want the item, and they're prepared to pay high or to kill all of you for it. Your best chance of coming through this alive is to cooperate with me. See you," Barzilai said, and disappeared.
***
"He's crazy."
"And we're holding the bag," Spike said.
"And we don't even know if there's a cat in it," Giles said.
"He's not trustworthy," Gang Long insisted.
"That's a given," Spike told the boy. "We're not going to trust him at all."
"That much money," Tara said. "We're dead."
"Shoppers' rage," Xander agreed. "Remember Tickle Me Elmo?"
Filis came out of the back room carrying the picnic baskets from Rupert's BMW and the Mercedes. "Who just left?"
Spike looked at her. "Why do you ask?"
"I didn't recognize the man who came out the back door. Sorry if it's private."
Everyone looked at her.
"Although, if he wants to avoid being noticed, tell him not to skulk so much. What?"
"The cameras," Giles said.
***
"Ha!" Willow said.
Xander's tape showed only the back door opening and shutting, apparently by itself. Willow's and Tara's disc showed a pale and transparent Barzilai entering the training room from the shop and exiting through the back door, closing it after him.
"You two did this?" Filis asked. "That's impressive."
"We gingered up the camera a little," Tara said.
"And all that elegant pacing wasn't just to show off his graceful stride," Spike said. "It was to get in position so he could get to a door without bumping into one of us."
"After he used a spell to turn invisible," Giles said.
"So he can turn invisible, but not apport?" Tara said. "Maybe he's not so powerful."
"Does he have power?" Spike asked Filis. "Up to Willow's strength?"
"I don't think so," Filis said. "My sight of him was brief, but I didn't sense power."
"So how'd he do the sleep spell?" Xander asked.
"Which we decided was cast by a strong Witch," Giles reminded the group.
"A charm, from a powerful Witch," Willow said.
"That would work," Filis said.
"How old is he?" Tara asked.
"He said he knew Ann before Gang Long was hatched," Spike said.
"What does she say?" Giles asked Gang Long.
"She never said otherwise. I've know him since Constantinople, uh early in the eighth century, this calendar."
"So he's had a lot of time to collect charms and talismans and stuff like that," Xander said.
"Even your mayor, the big, giant snake one, the one who was only some over a hundred years old, picked up that nasty gadget that Faith had," Tara said.
"Right, just because he's not a very good magician doesn't mean he's not dangerous," Willow agreed.
"He doesn't sound like the slickest thief in the world, either," Spike said.
"If enough innocent bystanders like us are around, to act as cat's paws for him he doesn't need to be," Giles said.
"On the other hand," Xander said, "he can run through an awful lot of innocent bystanders."
"He just went through a ship load of refugees," Spike agreed.
"All right," Giles said. "Find the object, and while we search, remember every kidnap or illicit treasure movie you've ever seen: We need a means of insuring that Barzilai does not abscond with both the money and the object, which would leave us in a very precarious position."
"And in your spare time, figure out a way to get Barzilai separated from his gizmos," Tara said.
***
"I don't think that was a movie, I think that was a Nash Bridges episode.
"No, it was the other one, Miami Vice."
"Immaterial. Did it work?" Giles asked.
"No, it didn't."
"Ann said vampires are magical beings," Filis said to Willow. "Are the many vampires in Sunnydale confusing the search for the item?"
"It might be a good thing if that were true, because I think he's right: I don't think anyone will believe us if we say it's been stolen again."
"So in addition to finding it, we have to safeguard it for that pig?" Tara was annoyed.
"I think so," Willow said. "At least for now."
"Do you know how long it would take to withdraw ten million dollars from an ATM? At two hundred dollars a day?" Spike asked Willow.
"Fifty thousand days."
"But did it work?" Giles asked.
"No, it didn't."
"Willow's back pack, or its contents, at least, and Tara's Saturn, hell all Ann's cars, are probably what Barzilai meant about magical artifacts moving around and in and out of the shop," Spike told Filis.
"Ann said the cars were safe. Did she mean from people like Kallis or just the police?"
"Definitely from the police. She said no human could track the Viper, no matter what equipment she used. Did she mean radar or spells?"
"Radar," Willow said, "or something similar. Spells are procedures and she knows the difference."
"Finn was there when she said that. She was always reticent around him," Spike said. "Or at least, very careful."
"What was wrong with Riley?" Tara asked "I mean besides you being jealous of him."
"He worked for vivisectionists," Gang Long said.
"Ann isn't human, and a lot of her friends aren't either," Spike said.
"And Riley was never comfortable with magic, remember," Willow said.
"So? Are the cars safe or not?" Filis demanded.
"We don't know," Willow said.
"Ransom."
"The World is not Enough."
"Speed."
"MI:2"
"A Simple Plan."
"Get Shorty."
"Ocean's Eleven."
"And did any of them work?"
"No."
"Modern technology does not seem to have improved this procedure which apparently reached its zenith when Eleanor of Acquitaine and the minstrel Blondel managed to ransom Richard Coeur de Lyon."
"How did they manage that?"
"She used him as a go-between," Giles said. "Not unlike the way Barzilai is using us."
"Blondie make up a lot of songs after that?" Xander asked.
"I don't know."
"Oh, that's encouraging."
"No," Willow said. "They are not going to arrive with ten million in a suitcase. Ten million dollars isn't the price, it isn't the total ransom, it's just the starting bid. They need lots of money, more money than they can carry."
"Under Siege II," Xander said.
"And did that work?"
"Well, it's a movie, all the bad guys ended up dead; but the money part went smooth as silk."
"Describe it," Giles said.
"I saw it, too," said Willow. "EFT."
"EFT?" Giles asked.
"Electronic Fund Transfer. Modern technology has helped, Giles. You don't need to touch money to spend money," Willow fell silent, thinking. "I know how he's going to do this, and I know how we can make sure he doesn't cheat, or at least totally cheat. We need some help. Dawn, can you or Tara, please, call Nancy Polias and ask her to come here?"
"Our lawyer?" Tara said. "Sure. In the morning?"
"There isn't a date on that damn web page, and I don't know how long this will take. Now."
"OK."
"If he's--Barzilai--if he's planning on cheating, he may be angry if we stop him. He may take his object and stomp out--"
"Which is fine," Giles said.
"--or he may kick us out, which is also fine," Willow said. "The terrible buyers won't get angry with us if we're not here."
"Maybe," Spike said.
"Good evening," Nancy Polias said, porting into the shop. Even at this time of night, she looked ready to step into a courtroom. Tonight, she wore a white trench coat over gray silk suit and a pleated white linen blouse. Her ash-blonde hair was worn up in chignon, and her gray eyes were bright in her pale face. She was taller than Willow, who was the one she smiled at first, before including everyone in her greeting.
"Hi," Dawn said. "We have a problem."
"And we need some help dealing with it," Willow said, and went on to explain.
Nancy listened, then asked: "And if Barzilai gets angry afterward?"
"I'll kill him. Or at least discourage him very firmly."
"All right," Nancy said. She smiled again at Willow. "I was wondering if you would reinstall your spell checker."
"Everyone grows up sometime," Willow said.
"I continue to approve. I'll be back in the morning." Nancy ported out.
"So do we still need to find the thing?" Xander asked.
"We still need the item, but we'll look again tomorrow."
Spike said: "Let's go. It's Gang Long's turn to drive."
***
"Nancy stopped in for breakfast, her third, she said, and we signed cards and contracts. She also gave me these," Giles said, waving a small pack of business cards. "We need to hand them out to the buyers after we usurp Barzilai's position."
"We're set?" Willow asked.
"That's all ready. Nancy thinks her name will help keep the buyers relatively civil, until the item is handed over to the successful buyer, but after that, the disappointed buyers may feel free to express themselves. "
"Might, possession and all that?"
"Yes, with us receiving collateral damage in the scrum."
"Gang Long and I figured out how to handle that part. He's ready to help. Dragons are supposed to have a strange sense of humor, but I admit, I don't see the extreme humor in this. There is something really strange about a giggling dragon.
"He's only a teenager, maybe older than Dawn, but not by much."
"You do realize, Giles, it will be best if you run the auction."
"Yes. Are you ready to take Barzilai out? At least temporarily?"
"Yes. It's important to remember that we must stop him from speaking and from gesturing. Spike is sure he can help, even if Barzilai is only human, as long as he doesn't hit him. Tara will be there, with Filis and Thierry, who say they can help. They know what we want to do and what we're worried about. Filis and I are going shopping at the sports equipment store on the way home. She suggested I need a ping pong ball and a roll of adhesive tape."
"Is everyone happy with Tara's decision?"
"Certainly not Beroule. She's very protective, but even she's agreed to respect Tara's independence, if some precautions are in place."
"Then all we need do is find the object. We might be able to manage without finding it, but the less we depend on Barzilai, the safer I'll feel."
"We haven't even started on the upper shelves," Willow said.
"I thought I'd stay this evening."
"Not alone?"
"No. Spike and Gang Long are coming by."
***